Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
