Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
