Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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