I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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