I'm so fucking centered right now
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
