Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
