Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
