sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
