"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
