I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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