Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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