when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
