well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize