Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
