Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
