yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
