I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize