you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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