My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
