I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
