i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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