i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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