Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
