John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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