She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
