took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
