I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
