Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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