sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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