So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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