I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize