i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
