I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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