I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
