When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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