I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
