On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Randomize
