She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
