Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
