i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
