we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
