my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
