I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
