wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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