I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Sober January is a disaster.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
