I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize