So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
