Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
this boner is exhausting
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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