like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
