If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
