3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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