then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
