Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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