yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
