Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
