Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dignity is for republicans.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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