sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
