Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you will always have a special place in my vag
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
