You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
