I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
