I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
